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Just because I said “I know how to behave” doesn’t mean I’m going to.

Growing old is hard work... The mind says “yes” but the body says “what the hell are you thinking”.

Sometimes I sit quietly & wonder why I’m not in a mental asylum then I take a good look around at every one and realize... maybe I am

I maybe getting older but that does not mean i have to be boring and act my age

We've been friends for so long i can't remember which one of us is the bad influence

I am a multitasker. I can listen, ignore & forget all at the same time.

I’m the kind of woman that when my feet hit the floor each morning the devil says “oh crap she’s up”

DON'T MESS with me MY GRANDMA IS CRAZY AND SHE WILL SLAP YOU SO HARD Even google won't be able to FIND YOU

GRANDPA NOT AS LEAN BUT STILL AS MEAN SO DON'T MESS WITH MY GRANDDAUGHTER

They call me aunt because partner in crime makes me sound like a bad influence.

I’m not clumsy. The floor just hates me, the table and chairs are bullies, and the walls get in my way.

I don’t have to say no i’m grandma

I'm the crazy grandma everyone warned you about mess with my grandkids my angels you better run for your life because i'm coming after you & hell's coming with me

Please tell your boobs to stop staring at my eyes thank you

When i die i know one of my grandkids will lean in my coffin and whisper “can i play a game on your phone?”

My goal is to be that old person that everyone is afraid to take out in public.

I never dreamed that one day I'd become a grumpy old man, but here I am killing it.

I'm a grumpy old lady. If you don't want a sarcastic answer, don't ask a stupid question, and make sure I had my coffee!!!

Dear Santa, I tried to be good, but I guess I take after my Grandma

If I’m spoiled, it’s my grandma’s fault. Saw it. Liked it. Told Grandma! Got it

My boobs are big because I keep all my rage d there

Sorry i am already taken by a sexy & crazy girl she's stubborn, messy & a brat at times she's clumsy

Short women stopped growing because we reached perfection

Weekly update for those who can't stand me i'm still freaking breathing

To my dear, son-in-law i didn't give you the gift of life i gave you my gorgeous daughter thank you

Still a little pissed. I can't fly or set things on fire with my mind.

I don't have a short temper. I just have a low tolerance for hypocrites and drama.

I am who I am. I'm weird, I'm lame, I run into things, I spill food, I trip, I scream about random & stupid stuff, but I like it that way.

It's not my fault you didn't read the fine print. I came with a warning label.

I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow doesn't look good either.

Some people aren't just missing the odd screw. The whole freakin' toolbox is gone.

Don't worry about walking a mile in my shoes. Just try a day thinking in my head.

I'm at the age where my brain goes from "You probably shouldn't say that" to "What the hell, let's see what happens!"

If you see me smiling, it's because I'm thinking of doing something evil or naughty. If you see me laughing, it's because I've done it already.

Unless I'm sitting on your face, my weight is none of your business.

If you have an opinion about my life, please raise your hand. Now put it over your mouth.