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Rock. Paper. Scissors. Throat punch. I win.
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No. You're wrong. So just sit there in your wrongness and be wrong.
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I'm not always rude & sarcastic. Sometimes I'm asleep.
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If you're happy & you know it, clap your... oh.
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Some people just need a pat on the back.
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I hate being sexy but I'm a chubby bearded man so I can't help it.
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I speak in movie quotes, song lyrics and sarcasm.
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I really think it's time to take the warning labels off of everything and let stupidity work itself out of the gene pool.
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If you think I'm crazy now, just wait until you piss me off.
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I'm not mean. I'm honest. The truth hurts. Here's a Band Aid.
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Blood stains are red. Ultraviolet lights are blue. I watch enough murder shows. They'll never find you.
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Someday I’ll be a 90-year-old woman with my same dirty mind and even dirtier mouth. It’s going to be awesome.
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You call it OCD. I call it: put the freaking thing back where it belongs.
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If we switched back to cursive and stick shift vehicles, we could cripple an entire generation.
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We should have a national quiet day where everyone just shuts up for 24 hours.
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Yes, my dark little heart skips a happy beat when I see karma catch up to somebody who deserves it.
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We might be old, but we had great hair, listened to cool music, and drove the best cars.
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The squirrels must be gathering nuts. Some people I know have disappeared.
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I hate it when people tell me they don’t like my music taste. I mean?? I don’t like your face, but I was quiet.
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When I die, please do not put in my obituary that I was loved by all my family and friends. No, I wasn’t.
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I see what the problem is here. I’m talking in English and you’re listening in brainless.
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I avoid crap because I’m afraid of me, not you. Temper go from zero to prison real fast.
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Nobody gives me butterflies anymore. Y’all just give me brain damage.
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I'm sorry if you don't like my honesty, but to be fair, I don't like your lies.
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Weekly update for those who can't stand me. I'm still freaking breathing.
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To those who watch my life and gossip about it, don't give up. Season 3 is coming.
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I'm having one of those days where my middle finger is answering every question.
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I don't keep calm and carry on. I keep calm and quietly plot my revenge.
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You're damned if you do and damned if you don't, so you might as well do whatever you want.
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I am terribly sorry if you don't like my harsh honesty, but I don't like your sugar-coated bullcrap either.
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I don't know where you got your opinion, but I hope you kept the receipt.
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To those who watch my life and gossip about it, don't give up. Season 3 is coming.
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This Grandpa has fought a thousand battles and is still standing. Has cried a thousand tears and is still smiling.
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This Woman has fought a thousand battles and is still standing. Has cried a thousand tears and is still smiling.
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I'm so glad I had a childhood before technology took over.
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Don't piss me off. I'm a cranky old woman. I do what I want, when I want, where I want. Your approval is not required.
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