Quotes Funny (1275 Designs)

I avoid crap because I’m afraid of me, not you. Temper go from zero to prison real fast.

Nobody gives me butterflies anymore. Y’all just give me brain damage.

I'm sorry if you don't like my honesty, but to be fair, I don't like your lies.

My biggest fear is a killer saying some funny shit while I'm playing dead.

Weekly update for those who can't stand me. I'm still freaking breathing.

To those who watch my life and gossip about it, don't give up. Season 3 is coming.

I'm having one of those days where my middle finger is answering every question.

I don't keep calm and carry on. I keep calm and quietly plot my revenge.

You're damned if you do and damned if you don't, so you might as well do whatever you want.

I am terribly sorry if you don't like my harsh honesty, but I don't like your sugar-coated bullcrap either.

I don't know where you got your opinion, but I hope you kept the receipt.

To those who watch my life and gossip about it, don't give up. Season 3 is coming.

This Grandpa has fought a thousand battles and is still standing. Has cried a thousand tears and is still smiling.

This Woman has fought a thousand battles and is still standing. Has cried a thousand tears and is still smiling.

They say, life is too short to hold grudges. I say, life is too long to be letting people get away with the same bullcrap.

I hate it when people can't see the wrong in their actions but see the wrong in mine.

I think way too many people have been drinking from the fountain of stupidity.

This woman has fought a thousand battles and is still standing, has cried a thousand tears and is still smiling, has been broken & betrayed but still walks proud.

Nobody hides pain better than a grandma that's trying to keep everyone & everything together... Her family is her everything.

No one needs to be less white, black or brown. Please just focus on being less dumb.

I watch people and wonder how some of them found their way out of the birth canal.

As a short woman, I can be stubborn as a mule, sweet as tea, angry as hornet or loyal like a soldier. It all depends on you.

I’m putting myself into timeout until I can play nice. This may take a while because stupid people are everywhere.

Someone just called me normal. I have never been so insulted in my entire life.

I don’t usually brag about going to expensive places, but I just left the gas station.

Roses are red, violets are blue. I’ve got five fingers and the middle one’s for you.

I’m not old. I woke up, I lifted my arms, I moved my knees, I turned my neck. Everything made the same noise: Crrr aaackkk! I came to a conclusion: I’m not old, I’m crispy.

Watch out! I’m having one of those days where I’m holding a stick and everyone looks like a piñata.

Skilled workers are hard to find. That’s why idiots are promoted to management.

Dear life, when I said it couldn’t get any worse, I didn’t mean that as a challenge.

Some people need a shock collar, and I need the remote.

A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension. The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant.

I am putting myself in timeout until I can play nice with others. This may take a while because stupid people are everywhere.

At my age, rolling out of bed in the morning is the easy part. Getting off the floor is a whole other story.

I’m a little smart ass short and stout. Here is my finger, here is my mouth. When I get all worked up I will shout... Piss me off and I’ll cuss you out!

I don’t usually brag about going to expens places but I just left the gas station