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I may not have been my mother’s favorite child, but I was the first one she thought of whenever the police turned up.

Funny thing about getting older: My eyesight starts getting weaker, but my ability to see through people’s crap gets much better.

Sometimes the black sheep of the family is the only one who has the balls to tell the truth.

I was taught to think before I act, so if I smack the stupidity out of you, rest assured I’ve thought about it and I am confident in my decision.

I’m a grouchy chubby woman. If you don’t want a sarcastic answer, then don’t ask a stupid question.

If you mess with me, you better run for your life because my grandpa is coming after you & grandma’s coming with him.

I am who I am. Like me, love me, take me, leave me. Know that I’m a true friend to the end and ask for nothing in return except two things: don’t hurt or use me.

Sometimes I gotta feed people some bullcrap just to see who they run back and tell.

Do not give Rice Krispies to young children. I ate them as a youngster. Now when I stand up I snap, crackle and pop!

Mean people don’t bother me a bit. Mean people who disguise themselves as nice people bother me a lot.

I would like to apologize to anyone I have not yet offended. Please be patient. I will get to you shortly.

One thing I hate more than a liar is a liar that thinks I’m freakin stupid.

Cranky woman with big boobs. Hated by many, loved by plenty. Heart on her sleeve, fire in her soul & a mouth she can’t control.

I don’t like to think before I speak. I like to be just as surprised as everyone else by what comes outta my mouth.

I’m not old. I can still remember my childhood phone number but can’t remember the password I created yesterday.

Nope, I can’t go to hell. Satan has a restraining order against me.

If we switched back to cursive and stick shift vehicles, we could cripple an entire generation.

Sometimes my humbleness makes people think they can play with me.

Some people... are like... a bag of pampers: self-absorbed & full of crap.

No one needs to be less white, black or brown. Please just focus on being less dumb.

As a short woman, I can be stubborn as a mule, sweet as tea, angry as hornet or loyal like a soldier. It all depends on you.

My brain says, “Let’s do something exciting today.” My body says, “Don’t listen to that fool.”

Skilled workers are hard to find, that’s why idiots are promoted to management.

Don’t piss this old cranky woman off. I will put you in the trunk and help people look for you.

People want me to tiptoe around their feelings while they tap dance all over mine. Remember, I can dance too.

1. Yes, my dark little heart skips a happy beat when I see karma catch up to somebody who deserves it.

Common sense is not a gift. It’s a punishment because you have to deal with everyone who doesn’t have it.

They say, life is too short to hold grudges. I say, life is too long to be letting people get away with the same bullcrap.

When I was a kid there were two ways to die: natural causes and talking back to your parents

Studies have found that women who are a little out of shape live longer than the men who mention it.

Someone just called me normal. I have never been so insulted in my entire life.

Still the most magical day of my life was the day I became a mom and a grandma.

My parents spanked me as a child. As a result I now suffer from a psychological condition known as respect for others.

My parents spanked me as a child. As a result I now suffer from a psychological condition known as respect for others.

Some people need to open their small minds instead of their big mouths.

This woman has fought a thousand battles and is still standing. Has cried a thousand tears and is still smiling.