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Better worry about your own sins because God ain’t gonna ask you about mine.

Some of you came from the “If you stop crying, I’ll buy you something” generation. We came from the generation “If you don’t stop crying, I’ll give you something to cry about”. We are not the same.

One thing I hate more than a liar is a liar that thinks I’m freaking stupid.

Back in my day I played, outside, not online. Parents called my name, not my cell phone. And if I didn’t eat what mom cooked, I didn’t eat. I know I’m old.

Men lie so much I’m starting to believe that Adam bit the apple, blamed it on Eve. That’s why the Adam’s apple is stuck in their throat.

Maybe I was raised wrong, but I was taught if you wanted something, you work for it.

Sometimes I sit quietly... and wonder why I’m not in a mental asylum. Then I take a good look around at everyone and realize... maybe I am.

I don’t care how old I get. If I’m in a and see a toy with “try me” on it, I’m pushing those buttons.

Sometimes I get road rage walking behind people in the grocery .

I’m not clumsy. The floor just hates me, the table and chairs are bullies, and the walls get in my way.

Back in my day kids didn’t talk back to their parents because they had a mom with a wooden spoon and a dad that wore a belt.

1. If we switched back to cursive and stick shift vehicles, we could cripple an entire generation.

Nope, I can’t go to hell. Satan has a restraining order against me.

I’m not old. I can still remember my childhood phone number but can’t remember the password I created yesterday.

I don’t like to think before I speak. I like to be just as surprised as everyone else by what comes outta my mouth.

Cranky woman with big boobs, hated by many, loved by plenty, heart on her sleeve, fire in her soul & a mouth she can’t control.

One thing I hate more than a liar is a liar that thinks I’m freakin’ stupid.

I’m pretty sure my guardian angel just sits there watching me as she paints her nails, rolls her eyes and mutters under her breath, “How did I get stuck with this one?”

I would like to apologize to anyone I have not yet offended. Please be patient, I will get to you shortly.

Mean people don’t bother me a bit. Mean people who disguise themselves as nice people bother me a lot.

Do not give Rice Krispies to young children. I ate them as a youngster, now when I stand up I snap, crackle and pop!

Sometimes I gotta feed people some bullcrap just to see who they run back and tell.

I am who I am, like me, love me, take me, leave me. Know that I’m a true friend to the end and ask for nothing in return except two things: don’t hurt or use me.

I’m glad I grew up in the 80’s. I did so much stupid stuff and there’s no record of it anywhere.

Has my mouth gotten me in trouble? Yup. Has it pushed some people away? Yup. Am I going to stop speaking my mind? No freaking way.

Skilled workers are hard to find. That’s why idiots are promoted to management.

At this point I’m convinced some people were put on the planet just to test my anger management skills.

As I have grown older I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.

This cranky short woman doesn’t seek revenge. She moves on and let karma do the dirty work.

I’ve been gooder. I’ve been badder. Many times thinner, lots of times fatter. There’s stuff I remember and stuff I forget. But I’ve always been me. Whatcha see is whatcha get.

If I woke up and nothing hurt I would think I was dead.

You will never find another me. Not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing but it’s the truth.

Retirement rules

I didn’t just turn into a grouchy old woman overnight. It took years of people letting me down, pissing me off, and dealing with idiots to get this good at it.

It’s so nice when toxic people stop talking to me. It’s like the trash took itself out.

Don’t piss off old people. The older we get, the less “life in prison” is a deterrent.