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it takes real skill to choke on air, fall up stairs and trip over completely nothing. i have that skill!

not sure if i'm older & bitter or this generation is as dumb as it seems.

one thing i hate more than a liar is a liar that thinks i'm stupid.

i used to think our parents were so strict but watching these kids today i think our parents saved our lives.

ignorance can be educated. crazy can be medicated. but there is no cure for stupid.

You will never find another me. Not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing, but it’s the truth.

If you don’t want the truth, don’t ask me. If you want something sugarcoated, go eat a donut.

Not only does my mind wander... sometimes it walks off completely.

I am putting myself in timeout until I can play nice with others. This may take a while because stupid people are everywhere.

If you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best.

I may look like a funny uncle, but if you mess with my niece I will break out a level of crazy that will make your nightmares seem like a happy place.

If i could go back in time... i would leave some people right where i found them

I finally realized that people are prisoners of their phones that’s why it’s called a “cell” phone

I'm a cranky short woman don't test me i will put you in the trunk and help people look for you

Blood stains are red. ultraviolet lights are blue. i watch enough murder shows they’ll never find you

Nobody hides pain better than a grandma that's trying to keep everyone & everything together... her family is her everything

I’d rather spend time with a rough around the edges sinner than a well-polished hypocrite

I'm on my second guardian angel my first one quit and is now in therapy

I don't have a short temper i just have a quick reaction to stupid people

I hate that moment when i'm tired and sleepy but as soon as i go to bed my body is like just kidding

Short chubby girl problem #24: when the sun visor doesn’t even help when you’re driving

Saying what you feel it’s not being rude it’s called being real

No i haven't met mr. right but i have met mr liar, mr players, mr psycho and mr douchebag

Turns out i’m the mom most likely to teach the neighborhood kids how to cuss.

I’m a real sweetheart & a real smart ass #the package deal

Some moms order too much from amazon and spend too much at target. — it’s me, i’m some moms.

If you’re an uptight, non cussing, fancy schmancy mom we can’t be mom friends. i need judgy, cussy, drunky, mom friends.

Roses are red violets are blue i want tacos & queso too

Stop! put that down no no! shhhhh quit! don’t touch eat your food! mom life

If my kids say something inappropriate they learned it from their father.

Rub my neck and my back turn on netflix make me snacks

Some aunts cuss and will kick your ass if you mess with their kids — it’s me, i’m some aunts.

I don’t need google my husband knows everything.

I’d love to do whatever i want. whenever i want................. but i’m not a dad #momlife

It’s funny how you’re nice to my face. It’s hilarious how you talk crap behind my back, and it’s downright comical that you think I’m unaware.

By age 50 you should have: