Quotes Funny (1291 Designs)

I finally realized that people are prisoners of their phones. That’s why it’s called a “cell” phone.

I hate that moment when I’m tired and sleepy... but as soon as I go to bed my body is like “Just kidding!”

1. Maybe I was raised wrong, but I was taught if you wanted something, you work for it.

I’m a cranky woman, chubby and stout. Here is my finger, here is my mouth. When I get all worked up I will shout... Piss me off and I’ll cuss you out.

It’s funny how you’re nice to my face. It’s hilarious how you talk crap behind my back, and it’s downright comical that you think I’m unaware.

Growing old is hard work... The mind says “yes” but the body says “What the hell are you thinking?”

Be careful who you vent to. A listening ear can also be a running mouth.

Nobody hides pain better than a grandma that’s trying to keep everyone & everything together... Her family is her everything.

I may be old but I still remember when to say please and thank you.

I used to think our parents were so strict, but watching these kids today I think our parents saved our lives.

Better worry about your own sins because God ain’t gonna ask you about mine.

Some of you came from the “If you stop crying, I’ll buy you something” generation. We came from the generation “If you don’t stop crying, I’ll give you something to cry about”. We are not the same.

One thing I hate more than a liar is a liar that thinks I’m freaking stupid.

Back in my day I played, outside, not online. Parents called my name, not my cell phone. And if I didn’t eat what mom cooked, I didn’t eat. I know I’m old.

Men lie so much I’m starting to believe that Adam bit the apple, blamed it on Eve. That’s why the Adam’s apple is stuck in their throat.

Maybe I was raised wrong, but I was taught if you wanted something, you work for it.

Sometimes I sit quietly... and wonder why I’m not in a mental asylum. Then I take a good look around at everyone and realize... maybe I am.

I don’t care how old I get. If I’m in a and see a toy with “try me” on it, I’m pushing those buttons.

Sometimes I get road rage walking behind people in the grocery .

I’m not clumsy. The floor just hates me, the table and chairs are bullies, and the walls get in my way.

Back in my day kids didn’t talk back to their parents because they had a mom with a wooden spoon and a dad that wore a belt.

1. If we switched back to cursive and stick shift vehicles, we could cripple an entire generation.

Nope, I can’t go to hell. Satan has a restraining order against me.

I’m not old. I can still remember my childhood phone number but can’t remember the password I created yesterday.

I don’t like to think before I speak. I like to be just as surprised as everyone else by what comes outta my mouth.

Cranky woman with big boobs, hated by many, loved by plenty, heart on her sleeve, fire in her soul & a mouth she can’t control.

One thing I hate more than a liar is a liar that thinks I’m freakin’ stupid.

I’m pretty sure my guardian angel just sits there watching me as she paints her nails, rolls her eyes and mutters under her breath, “How did I get stuck with this one?”

I would like to apologize to anyone I have not yet offended. Please be patient, I will get to you shortly.

Mean people don’t bother me a bit. Mean people who disguise themselves as nice people bother me a lot.

Do not give Rice Krispies to young children. I ate them as a youngster, now when I stand up I snap, crackle and pop!

Sometimes I gotta feed people some bullcrap just to see who they run back and tell.

I am who I am, like me, love me, take me, leave me. Know that I’m a true friend to the end and ask for nothing in return except two things: don’t hurt or use me.

I’m glad I grew up in the 80’s. I did so much stupid stuff and there’s no record of it anywhere.

Has my mouth gotten me in trouble? Yup. Has it pushed some people away? Yup. Am I going to stop speaking my mind? No freaking way.

Skilled workers are hard to find. That’s why idiots are promoted to management.